Flamed
by chairomori
Summary: Hyuuga Hinata is many things: an heiress, a kunoichi, and a secret author who just got flamed?  Cry uncle, because somebody's going to pay big time.  Rated T for language. [Complete]
1. The Flame

Disclaimer: I don't own or profit from Naruto, and it's lucky that's so, or it'll probably still be on chapter fifty or so . . . Oh yeah, I don't own kaiizaa either, whoever that is.

_Flamed_

by chairomori

* * *

Shock. Rage. Control. Retribution. 

These emotions usually encompass any author who has just received a flame – well, except for the last one. Hyuuga Hinata is no exception.

You see, Hyuuga Hinata is not just a kunoichi. Oh no. If you look underneath the underneath, she's also a renown author of Konoha's best-selling action series, _Killer Kunoichi_. Of course, she doesn't _use_ her real name – she can't very well _tell_ everyone she's a professional writer. Why, what would her _father_ say? Instead, she goes by the simple pen name, Hina. Well, that's not obvious at _all_, is it?

Now that _that's _settled, let's follow our heroine's adventures as she begins her day . . .

* * *

Fire One -- _The Flame_

It was a beautiful day! The sun shined almost as brightly as Gai's teeth, the birds chirped like a chidori – what a person wouldn't _give_ for a day just like it!? Yet, a certain heiress to the Hyuuga clan ignored it as she anxiously sat in her dark room, sealed shut from the outside world.

She started and eagerly raced to the door. Bending stealthily at the crack, she whispered, "Password?" 

"Excuse me, Hinata-sama?"

'_Damn,' _she thought. It was Neji. "U-uh, n-nothing, Neji-nii-san! W-what is it?"

"Well, I was going to ask if you wanted -"

"Oh no! T-that's really unnecessary!" she stuttered.

". . . Hinata-sama, I never stated what I was going to ask you."

She paled. "Y-you didn't? Oh, oh! Silly me. O-of _course_ you haven't. Ha ha. Well, bye!" she called through the crack.

Outside the door, Neji paused. "Are you trying to get rid of me, Hinata-sama?"

"What? Why would I want to do that!?" she squeaked out in panic. "I-I mean, I-I have no r-reason to, r-right? O-okay now! See you later, nii-san!"

Neji was really weirded out. Hinata was acting weird again today. "Very . . . well then, Hinata-sama." He marched off, partially offended, his question unvoiced.

Soon after, someone else knocked. Hinata rushed to her door once again. "Password?"

The person on the other end sighed. "Do I really have to say this?" He or she whined.

"Yes!" Hinata snapped.

"Fine." Another sigh. "Oh _great _Hina-dono, please admit your ever so _humble_ servant entrance into your _heavenly_ domain."

Hinata threw open the door and literally pulled a dead-faced Hanabi into her room. She stuck her head out and looked both ways. Confident that no one was near – if anyone _was_ near, they'd have been even more suspicious by her behavior than _Neji_ was – she slammed the door shut and faced Hanabi. "The goods?"

Hanabi rolled her eyes and threw a small bag at her sister who dove after it and began to cuddle it. "Why can't you get these from Ichiraku-san _yourself_?"

"Because he doesn't know that _I'm_ Hina. Only a genius such as _myself_ could think of using such an inconspicuous location as a delivery point for my fanmail."

"Please. All you did was bribe Ichiraku-san with a percentage of your profits," Hanabi muttered darkly.

"Hanabi! Do you want to keep winning those 'spars' against me or not?" Hinata threatened. "I could _accidently_ win our next one . . ."

"Okay, I get it. You're _brilliant._ Can I go now?"

"Alright. I'll tell you when to get my next batch!"

"Whatever." Hanabi stalked off.

Left to her own devices, Hinata grinned with delight as she turned to her pile of letters. Quickly, she snagged a few and read them one by one, giggling madly at their contents. Oh how she _loved _her adoring fans. She eagerly reached in and grabbed another letter to read.

u asshole

She froze. The smile vanished. Her heart began to palpitate as she forced herself to continue reading.

u asswhole u are such a whore

u can't ever write a good story

She read it over and over again. Somewhere along the lines, her heart had plunged into her stomach, freezing her motions. She was so shocked, in fact, that she didn't even realize that whoever sent her the letter spelled 'asshole' with a 'w.'

In a daze, her eyes began frantically searching the envelope. Apparently, someone named kaiizaa had sent it. As her shock began to settle, she felt an overwhelming urge to find this 'kaiizaa' and squeeze the life out of him or her or it or whoever. She assumed that 'kaiizaa' was a boy, so she settled on referring to 'kaiizaa' as a him.

"Th-that bastard!" Who knew Hinata used, or even _knew_ such language! "How dare he! When I find him, I'll fucking castrate the damn bastard where he fucking stands!" she raved melodramatically. Suddenly realizing she had spoken aloud, and none too quietly, she clamped her hands over her mouth in horror, hoping no one had heard.

Unfortunately, her father had chosen that moment to walk past her room. He was speechless to say the least. Literally, his body was frozen for at least five minutes, mouth agape, eyes rotund, ears stretching out toward her door in disbelief. Realizing that the head of the Hyuuga clan should not _for whatever reason_ be seen in such a manner, he got a hold of himself and hesitantly rapped on the door. "Hinata?" he asked slowly.

'_Uh oh!'_ she worried. Quickly, she pulled off the sweetest voice she could muster in such a situation. "Uh, yes, father?"

"Are you feeling alright?"

"W-why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, as _absolutely absurd_ as it may seem, I could have _sworn_ I heard you cursing in the most _vulgar_ of manners!"

Hinata gasped "How-how could you accuse me of s-such a t-thing, father? H-have you ever _heard_ me curse before?" she pretended to be hurt.

Hiashi thought a bit. "Well, I suppose not . . . Very well then." He strutted off a bit perturbed.

Once he was gone, Hinata let out a sigh. Then she grinned. '_Hina-dono, you are _such_ a good actress.'_ Then she turned to the letter in her grasp, her bangs shadowed her face as an evil expression marred its innocent one. '_kaiizaa . . . I will find you . . . And when I do, prepare . . . to . . . DIE!!!!!' _She let off a dark, malicious laugh. "Ku ku ku. KU KU KU KU!!"

"Er, Hinata?" Damn! It was her father again! Why did he always have to show up at such bad times! "I'm opening the door!"

Hinata's expression immediately returned to its usual angelic state. She blushed, embarrassed that she'd almost been caught and played with her fingers nervously. "W-what is it, f-father?"

Hiashi stared at his eldest daughter. "I could have _sworn_ I heard Orochimaru's dark, malicious laughter resonating from your room."

"O-Orochimaru? W-why, why _ever_ would he b-be here, oh _dearest_ father of mine?" As soon as the words left her mouth, she cursed herself. She'd overdone it with the sucking up.

Hiashi stared at her suspiciously. "Are you sure everything's alright? You're not being controlled by a puppet jutsu or anything?"

'_If I was, would I really tell you?' _Hinata looked at him innocently. "O-of course, father."

He stared her in the eye a bit more before breaking eye contact and reluctantly turning to leave. "Very well then."

Hinata let out another sigh when he left and returned to her letter.

Hm. It seemed that whoever this 'kaiizaa' was had left a return address. The nerve! She read it.

Kaiizaa

1234 Hyuuga Way

Konoha, Fire Country 56789

Why! That was the address of her new neighbors! In fact, they'd just moved into the edge of the Hyuuga district a week ago! She recalled them having a son around her age . . . Hinata carefully stashed her fan mail away. It was time to pay her new neighbors a belated visit . . .

Next time: Welcome to Konoha!

* * *

A/N: Hinata, as well as a lot of other characters, is extremely OOC in this fic. It's purely intentional – remember, this is a _parody_. Anyway, the flame is actually a real one that I got almost a year ago. Yes, it had a 'w' in asshole, too. kaiizaa's also a real person, err, cyber person anyway, who sent the flame. 

Anyway, kaiizaa's going to be in for a hell of a time – so much in fact, I don't have all my ideas! I'm calling on my readers to supply some pranks, etc. that Hinata and her 'elves' will be pulling on him. The length of the story will depend on how many ideas I get. Tell me in a private message or a review! Speaking of which:

Please review!


	2. Welcome to Konoha!

Disclaimer: Nothing's changed!! Still the same as chapter one so I'm too lazy to say that I don't own Naruto or kaiizaa. . . . hold on, I just did didn't I? Man, what a tricky disclaimer! I admit, you got me this time!! (Shakes a fist at the disclaimer) While I'm at it, I might as well add that some of the cliches I used come from commercials. Oh, and Kionu Jaken is a name derived from jake kion which is the other alias of kaiizaa. So I don't own him either!

* * *

Recap: _Our not so shy Hinata has just received a flame!! Luckily, for _her _that is, the flamer just _happened _to leave an address which just _happens _to be near the Hyuuga district! Uh oh, what's going to happen now?_

* * *

"Hanabi-chan! Hanaaaaaaabi-chaaaaaan!" Hinata called softly as she searched for the younger sister. 

Of course, it'd be much easier just to scream her lungs out for Hanabi, and it'd also be much more effective, but then again, she _was_ supposed to be the _quiet _and _shy_ one. After all, if she let on that she was actually quite devious and not shy, someone might be able to trace Hina, the absolutely meticulous and well, _not shy_ author, back to her! Exactly where this logic stems from, the world may never know.

Anyway, to get to the point, Hinata was quite ineffective in her search. However, being the persistent genin she is, she continued to use this incredibly ineffective method to ineffectively find her sister. How ineffective!

And so, she unsuccessfully searched for Hanabi until the end of time. Wait, that isn't right. What _really_ happened was after about six minutes of searching – six because that's how many letters are in her name – she found out where Hanabi was after bumping into her _favorite_ cousin, Neji. Favorite, because he _is_ her only cousin. That means he's also her least favorite, most hated, loved, irritable, angst-driven . . . actually, let's leave it at that. On with the story!

Fire Two – _Welcome to Konoha!_

"There you are!" Hinata slid open the door to Hanabi's room.

Hanabi, who was lying on an unmade futon reading something, looked up at her in irritation. "Don't you know how to knock? It's common courtesy, you know."

Hinata brushed the remark aside. "Hanabi-chan . . ."

The addressee flinched. That disgustingly sugary-sweet voice . . . it could only mean one thing. "Say no more!"

"Are you, by any chance-"

"Halt! Don't you dare finish that sentence!"

"-busy?"

"Actually, I am," Hanabi remarked with dignity. "The next issue of _Shonen Jump _has just come out and I am in a dire need to read the next chapter of _Bleach_. You _know_ I go through withdrawal syndrome if I don't get my weekly manga. So I don't have the time as of the moment to do any petty favors for you."

"Silly Hanabi! _Jump _is for kids!" Hinata chuckled at her own joke. "Besides, judging by your tone, you seem to be reading those fanfictions that make you out to be a spoiled brat again. Don't make me tell Otou-san . . ."

Hanabi scoffed. "As if. I am _not_ some silly manga character."

"Whatever you say," Hinata replied, knowingly. "Anyway, I have a proposition for you! One that's even better than _Bleach._"

Hanabi pretended not to be interested but listened anyway.

Hinata continued. "As you may or may not know, some new neighbors have just arrived in 1234 Hyuuga Way."

"You mean the house where we drove off our last new neighbors?"

"Precisely." Hinata smiled eerily. "Now we _can't _just leave them there without a _proper_ welcome, so I thought maybe we should make them something."

"Make them something? Like what?"

"Oh, I was thinking about something traditional. You know, like a cake. A fruitcake, or maybe even," Hinata paused. A miraculous idea had just presented itself to her. "Or maybe even a mud cake. Yes, a mud cake! And I was thinking of inviting you to help me in this task!"

Hanabi gaped at her. "Me?" she whispered in awe. "You're going to let me_ in the kitchen? _The place where I have been formally _banned_ with a unanimous vote by not just the _elders_ but also _every single Hyuuga in the district_?"

"Well, how else will you be able to help me with the mud cake?" Hinata stated in an isn't-it-obvious tone.

A smile slowly made its way up Hanabi's face. In fact, if Hinata looked closely, she might have seen traces of malicious creativity beginning to appear in it. Throwing the issue of _Shonen Jump_ behind her, she eagerly rushed past Hinata towards the kitchens.

"Yes! I can now continue the practice of cooking like my idol, Inoue Orihime! One of Hyuuga Hanabi's mud cakes, whatever a _mud cake_ is, coming right up!"

Hinata looked at the dust trail Hanabi left and chuckled darkly. "Ku ku ku." Kaiizaa was going to meet the wrath of Hina, alright, starting with Hanabi's first mud cake. She quickly followed after the younger Hyuuga.

"Hinata!" someone called.

The said heiress halted and turned. Drat. "Uh, y-yes, father?"

"Was that by any chance Hanabi I just saw heading off toward the kitchens?" Hiashi inquired.

"W-why w-would you t-think _t-that?_"

"Well, you see, there was this insanely mad glint in her eye – one I haven't seen since the Hyuuga formally exiled her from the kitchens. Well, I suppose I could have been mistaken. After all, Hanabi is the _perfect_ heiress."

Hinata rolled her eyes. "Riiiight." She stifled a gasp when Hiashi stared at her suspiciously. "I-I m-mean you're p-perfectly r-right, of c-course." She slightly blushed at her mistake.

Hiashi cleared his throat. "However, just in case, I'd like you to keep an eye on her. Make sure she stays far, far away from the kitchens."

"I-I'll be sure to do so, father," Hinata answered innocently.

Hiashi nodded and left, muttering something about insane manga characters corrupting his second daughter.

Hinata waited until he war out of sight, then hurried after Hanabi until she had caught up to her. "Um, Hanabi, why are you hiding behind the tree?"

"Because, the chefs won't let me in! They didn't believe me when I said you gave me permission! You'd think I'd be treated better, being an heiress and all," she scoffed angrily.

"You dolt! Of course they wouldn't believe you! You should have waited for me! Now, watch the great master Hina at work!" Hinata confidently left their post behind the tree and strode up to the kitchen complex. At the door, she changed her demeanor and began to shuffle nervously. "Uh, em, i-is anyone in here?" she called.

"Who is it? Hanabi-sama?" An old Hyuuga prune with a hairnet on her head slid the door open. "Oh, Hinata-sama! What can I do for you today?" She bowed respectfully.

"A-actually, I w-was wondering i-if I could use the kitchens for a bit. Y-you know, by myself. I-if it isn't t-too much t-trouble t-that is," she muttered meekly.

"Why of course, Hinata-sama! I'll dismiss the staff right now! We were just finishing clearing the breakfast plates anyway!"

Hinata smiled gratefully. "T-thank you."

She waited until all the staff had left, then signaled for Hanabi, who war still waiting in behind the tree, to hurry into the kitchen.

Meanwhile, while all this as occurring, Hanabi had stood behind the tree, frothing at her mouth in anticipation. When the signal finally came, she let out a rabid shout of glee and rushed in.

"Mud cake, mud cake! I don't know what that is, but I'm sure if I just wing it, it'll still turn out great! Yes! The first ingredient in a mud cake! Mud cake! Mud cake! The first ingredient! It's . . . mud! Yes! It's obvious! The first ingredient is mud!" Hanabi ran around the kitchen looking for mud. She could have just used her byakugan, but by then, she was so hyper, she didn't think of it – not that there would _be_ any mud in the kitchen. "Hinata! Get me some dirt!!"

Usually, Hinata wouldn't allow Hanabi to speak that way to her. After all, she _was_ a famous author; however, this was a special occasion, so she just smiled craftily and got a jar to scoop some dirt from outside. When she finished, Hanabi, who was waiting inside impatiently grabbed the jar from her hand and poured cold sink water into it.

"Uh, Hanabi? Our sink water isn't filtered you know."

"Whatever!" Hanabi raved. "This is culinary ingenuity right here! To make something spectacular out of scraps! Why, when I'm through, my cuisine will not just be on par with Inoue-san's! It will surely surpass it!"

Hinata smiled in agreement. _'It'll surpass it alright. Though that's not necessarily a good thing . . . for kaiizaa that is . . .'_ She grinned wickedly again.

All in all, it's safe to say that the mud cake consisted of completely inedible, unsanitary things, ranging from the mud to, well, you don't want to know. At least _Bleach_'s Orihime use _edible_ ingredients. The finished product simply _refused_ to stay together, however, and kept crumbling like dried mud, therefore, Hanabi decided to leave it as that – Mud Cake Crumble Surprise.

Hinata, realizing the culinary masterpiece was complete, wrapped it up nicely and used a big pink bow to tie it. "Come on, Hanabi, let's go see how kaiizaa-baka, I mean, how our new neighbors like this!"

Hanabi proudly agreed, wiping the brown smudges on her face.

And so, the trio – counting the platter of Mud Cake Crumble Surprise, since it seems to have something moving inside it – headed off towards 1234 Hyuuga Way.

Along the way, they encountered, who else but Neji?

"What are you two doing?" he asked. He caught the malicious glint in both heiress' eyes and saw the bundle Hanabi held. "On second thought, I don't know, and I don't want to know."

Hinata grinned innocently.

The duo, er, trio, made their way to kaiizaa's residence with no more distractions after that, which thankfully allowed Hinata to come up with more schemes as they walked. After what seemed like an _eternity_ of walking, they finally arrived.

Hinata used her byakugan to check inside, and luckily, the boy was all alone and ripe for the picking. She chuckled to herself. "Ku ku ku."

Hanabi quirked an eyebrow at Hinata, but otherwise remained silent. Out of the three of them – Neji included – she was the only _normal _one around. Minus her manga obsession of course. But that's perfectly normal, right?

Moving on! So Hinata rang the doorbell (it was an incredibly modern house for something in the Hyuuga district) and heard an annoyed sigh. A faint "coming coming coming" was heard as well as loud stomping. The door cracked open to reveal an eye.

"Who are you?"

Hinata smiled brightly. "W-we m-made something to w-welcome you to K-Konoha!" she signaled to Hanabi, who held up the bundle.

The door opened all the way to allow them in. Behind it was a boy between Hanabi and Hinata's age. (_'How dare a kid like that use suck language!'_ Hinata thought.) He was pretty average. Average brown hair. Average brown eyes. Average height for a kid. Average looks. Average everything. Well, he can't actually look handsome now can he? That would make him a Mary-sue! Er, Gary-sue.

"Thanks, I guess, I'll leave this for when my parents get back tonight."

Hinata smiled even wider. '_So his parents are conveniently gone until the evening. Oh the possibilities!' _She stopped him from putting it away. "Oh please, p-please! H-Hanabi-chan worked so _h-hard_ to make it. She'd b-be _so_ u-upset i-if you d-didn't try it n-now!"

The kid frowned and almost rolled his eyes. He muttered something about "girls" under his breath and turned to the kitchen with Hinata and Hanabi following him.

"S-so what's your n-name?"

"Kionu Jaken."

"I-I see, Jaken,." Hinata glared at him behind his back. '_So . . . that's your _real_ name, eh, _kaiizaa_?'_ She narrowed her eyes. "W-well, I-I'm Hyuuga Hinata, a-and this is my s-sister Hanabi."

"That's nice," Jaken muttered as he began to try and undo the bow. He frowned at the pink color.

"S-so, Jaken, h-have you ever r-read _Killer Kunoichi_?"

"Ps, no way. That's such a _girly_ book."

Hanabi gaped at him. He'd just called Hinata's masterpiece _girly_.

"Reaaaally," Hinata's tone became a bit more sly.

"Yeah. What kind of author would write something like that anyway? I mean, like a kunoichi can't _possibly_ be able beat a shinobi!"

Hinata was appalled by his sexism, but suppressed her retort. No, she'd be getting him back later anyway. "S-so you _have_ read it, then?"

Jaken was caught off guard. "N-no. I just heard what it was about from some old friends. That's all." He finally got the bundle unwrapped and looked at the contents. "What the hell is _this_?" he screeched.

Hanabi looked at him innocently. "My Mud Cake Crumble Surprise. Try it!"

He looked at the brown mush. "Um, maybe later . . ."

Hinata intervened. "But y-you'll hurt Hanabi-chan's feelings. S-she worked so _hard_ to make this!"

As if on cue, Hanabi put on a sad face and stared at the kid who became more than a bit disconcerted.

"Alright, fine. I'll try a _bit_." He went and got a plate and spoon – he'd have gotten a fork, but I don't think they exist in _Naruto_!

Hinata grabbed the spoon and began to shovel a heap of Surprise onto his plate. "Eat!" she commanded.

Jaken hesitantly brought a small spoonful of crumble up to his face and then shoved it into his mouth quickly. "Hey! This isn't that bad!" He ate another spoonful, then another. "It actually tastes quite sugary!"

Hinata grinned. "I-I'm g-glad you like it! I d-didn't think it would be good after what Hanabi put in!" she nudged Hanabi. "T-tell him w-what you put in!"

Hanabi eagerly related the contents that were currently making their way into Jaken's stomach. "Well, first I put in the mud – you know, that's probably why they call it _mud cake_." She didn't notice that Jaken's spoon had stopped moving. "There were a bit of earthworms in there, but I thought they'd give it a natural flavor so I left them in. Then I added lots and lots of sugar to make it sweet-"

Jaken rushed to someplace to empty his stomach. Hinata wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"Are you trying to kill me!!!" he roared as he returned. "You put _mud _and _worms_ into it?"

Hanabi looked at him innocently. "They're good for your complection."

"That's it! Get out!"

Hinata stepped in. "B-but we _can't_."

"What do you mean you can't? Just move your legs and go out the door!"

"B-because, we didn't j-just come h-here to give you the welcome g-gift. W-we have to i-inform you of s-something a-all new k-kids in Konoha h-have to do!"

Jaken groaned. "And what is _that_?"

'_Ku ku ku.'_ Hinata grinned. "Why it's the initiation, of course!"

Next time: The Initiation – Hina Style

* * *

A/N: Thank you to Psycotic Gothic Chick for some great ideas and to Akimi Kaede and Crazy005 for reviewing! 

On another note, I need more ideas! This fic cannot exist without them! So those of you who are lurking in the shadows (you know who you are) as well as those who put me on story alert, please contribute! Arigato!


	3. The Initiation  Hina Style

Disclaimer: Pranks in this chapter are courtesy of Psycotic Gothic Chick. Many thanks to her!!

* * *

Recap: _After a "satisfying" plate of Hanabi's Mud Cake Crumble Surprise, Kionu Jaken, a.k.a. Hina's flamer, threatens to throw out the two heiresses, but instead, gets a big surprise . . ._

* * *

Fire Three – _The Initiation – Hina Style_

"Initiation?" Jaken repeated in disbelief. "You have _got_ to be kidding me."

Hinata sighed. "U-unfortunately, I'm not."

"And what exactly happens if I _refuse_ this initiation?"

"W-well, the last p-person to r-refuse the initiation was u-used as a p-practice dummy for t-the academy students' s-shuriken practice . . ."

Of course, this wasn't true. After all, there's no such _thing_ as an initiation in Konoha.

Jaken paled. "Oh yeah? And what exactly happened to the kid?"

Hinata pulled off the most sympathetic expression she could possibly muster at the moment "H-he was n-never the same. A c-completely different person, i-if you know what I m-mean." She gestured at her face.

"R-really?" Jaken asked, wincing at the mental image of a kid's face getting ripped to shreds by zooming projectiles. "So, what exactly is this 'initiation' all about?"

"Oh! I'll show you!" Hinata beamed as she pulled out a regular-looking scroll. She opened it a bit and showed him. "Everything you'll need to do is in here!" Oh dear. It looks like our heiress is forgetting to stutter in her excitement.

"Well, it doesn't look like too much," he said looking at the bit that was open. However, when he grabbed the scroll, half fell out of his hands and rolled down the floor past the doorway. His eyes bulged as he ogled the length. "Holy crap!"

Hinata smirked evilly and rolled up the scroll before he could see the contents. "W-we should start immediately . . . b-before the others f-find out y-you're here and . . ." She purposely didn't finish the sentence to intimidate him.

He gulped. "What's first?"

Hinata smiled innocently. "Follow me."

They left, followed by Hanabi, who decided to tag along for amusement. After ages of walking, they finally stopped in front of a large building. In front of it was a sign that read "Funbari Hot Springs Resort the Second."

Jaken let out a sigh. "So I just have to go to some hot springs?"

"Oh n-no! Funbari is also fell known for _other _purposed _besides_ hot springs," Hinata explained. _'Hah! As if I'd let you get off _that_ easily, kaiizaa!'_ She went in. "Come on."

They entered and went up to the second floor. There, Jaken froze. Girls to the left getting their hair done. Girls to the right doing their nails. Girls in the back with gunk on their faces. Girls . . . everywhere!

"Oh HEEEEEEELL no!!!!!"

"E-excuse me?" Hinata asked innocently.

"I am NOT going in there!"

"W-well, if you would r-rather be used as . . ."

". . . What do I have to do?"

Hinata brightened. "First, we have to work on your face!"

And so Jaken reluctantly followed the eager Hinata to the back where lumps of green gunk was smeared all over his _masculine_ face . . . in addition to a couple of cucumbers for his eyes.

"There! That's done! Now, we move onto the acupuncture treatment!"

"The WHAT!?" The slices of cucumbers flew towards the doorway as his eyes popped out.

"Now, now, Jaken. We _have _to do what's on the list, and next says acupuncture!" Hinata patronized him as she led him into another room. There she dismissed the _real_ therapist and made him lay down on his stomach. She took out a handful of senbon and grinned deviously.

"Um, Hinata-nee, those aren't the acupuncture needles," Hanabi pointed out.

"I know, Hanabi, I know . . . would you like to help me?" Hinata tossed some to the younger Hyuuga.

Both sisters shared evil grins as they began Jaken's "treatment." Well, let's just say that for the next half-hour, girly ear-piercing screams could be heard all the way to Suna. Eventually, a Jaken-pincushion resulted.

"Excellent, excellent," Hinata smiled as she ushered him into the previous room.

In a painful daze, he allowed her to steer him into a black chair. He didn't comprehend her as she whispered some instructions to the barber.

"Alright, he wants a new haircut. Something . . . feminine. Maybe like, like Temari's! You know, the chuunin from Sunagakure."

The barber looked a bit skeptic. "Hmm, hair might be a bit too short for that."

"That's okay!" Hinata said. "Just do your best!"

"He said he wanted his hair dyed too!" Hanabi chirped in. "Hot pink, neon green, bright orange and turquoise. Spiraled together in each quartet!"

'_Brilliant, Hanabi!' _Hinata beamed. _'I have taught you well!' _She sniffed. "I'm proud to be your sister, Hanabi-chan!"

Hanabi simply raised an eyebrow.

The barber looked a bit doubtful. "Are you sure you want this, kid?" she asked Jaken. Unfortunately for him, he was in too much pain to hear anything clearly and just moaned, which she took as a 'yes.'

"Barber-san!" Hinata called. "Be sure to make the dye extra long lasting! Do it well, and I'll throw in a _big_ tip using the Hyuuga clan funds!"

Suddenly motivated, the barber began to throw bottles of nasty smelling liquid onto the boy's head, having it ferment there until his hair turned into a rainbow of colors. She sheared and styled until the delirious boy had bangs and four pigtails, all in bright, psychedelic colors.

"Wonderful! Simply marvelous!" Hinata squealed happily.

Hanabi smirked.

Jaken, now with green gunk, cucumbers, and rainbow colored hair, was promptly whisked away by Hinata into another chair, while, once again, Hinata whispered instructions to another person.

"Manicure and pedicure. Make each nail a different color."

"Don't forget the pictures!" Hanabi chimed.

"I was just getting to that," Hinata nodded. "I, er _he_ wants a different picture on each one. You know, a butterfly on his thumb, a kitten on his index, a picture of Naruto-kun on his middle . . . You get the idea, right?"

The therapist nodded and began her work. Much, much later, everything was finally complete. After paying and tipping everyone, Hinata and Hanabi dragged the still delirious Jaken out of Funbari Hot Springs Resort the Second. Of course, given the state he was in – hair, nails, clothes ridden with holes – they drew quite a bit of stares.

"Oh dear, Hanabi-chan. We can't have him wearing these tattered clothes! We should get him something new to wear shouldn't we?" Hinata mocked.

Getting the hint, Hanabi smirked. "Yeah, that's probably necessary."

"Excellent. We'll go to the Konoha mall right now!"

With that, they dragged Jaken along and headed to the mall. On the way, they just _happened_ to run into an old, _dear_ friend of Hinata's.

"O-oh, Ino-chan! _J-just_ the p-person I was l-looking for!"

Next time: The Initiation – Ino Style

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A/N: Heh, I don't think I had much funny or sarcasm in me when I wrote this. Anyway, did anyone catch the little _Shaman King _insert I put in? It should be a bit obvious. 

Thank you to Crazy005, Chibi Kabuto, Psycotic Gothic Chick, and Akimi Kaede for reviewing! Speaking of which, Akimi Kaede raised a great question. Here it is:

**Is Kionu Jaken really kaiizaa or does Hina have the wrong person?**

I'm going to open this decision up to my readers. Do you want him to be kaiizaa or is he being framed? Meanwhile, if anyone has any ideas with which to torture Jaken with, please contribute!

Please review!


	4. The Initiation Ino Style

Disclaimer: As the last, this chapter is inspired by Psycotic Gothic Chick's ideas. Thank you PGC!!

* * *

Recap: _Jaken reluctantly agrees to take the initiation Hina has setup for him. After a "soothing" acupuncture treatment, he is left dazed and confused from pain, allowing Hinata and Hanabi to get his hair and nails redone. Afterwards, the gang runs into Ino who Hinata proclaims is "just the person" she needs . . . What's going to happen when Ino's expertise is added with Hina's brain?_

* * *

"Oh, hey, Hinata," Ino greeted. "You were looking for me?" She saw Jaken slightly behind Hanabi. "What in the world is that _abomination?_" she shrieked. 

"W-well, that's what we n-needed help on," Hinata began. "Y-you see, _she_ is our new n-neighbor, but thinks _she's_ a _boy_ by t-the name of Kionu Jaken!"

"I can see why she thinks that!" Ino said. "That is one _ugly_ girl!"

"I-I was t-thinking that maybe you could . . . y-you know, if y-you're not too busy . . ."

"Say no more! This is an absolute fashion disaster! There is no way I could _ever_ ignore a girl in need! When I'm through, this girl will realize what she is immediately!" Flames of youth blazed in Ino's eyes.

Hinata was a bit taken aback. Oh dear. She hoped Ino wouldn't turn into Lee after this encounter. The thought of Ino having bushy eyebrows and wearing a green jumpsuit was just . . . _wrong_. No, she decided, it wouldn't happen.

"Well, let's get started!"

Fire Four – _The Initiation – Ino Style_

Jaken groaned in pain. His eyes were still watery from the acupuncture treatment and he still couldn't register what was going on around him. "Ah-ooooo-uuuuuuuuh."

Ino clucked in sympathy. "What a case. What a case! You can obviously tell this kid is in _pain_ because of her denial. Just look at those watery eyes! She's practically _crying_ in misery!" She turned to Hinata. "Don't worry, when we're done, she'll be aaaaaaall better!"

Hinata decided she didn't like the excited grin on Ino's face. It was almost as evil as the one _she _wore when no one was looking. '_Note to self: Never, _ever,_ ask Ino for assistance in _any_ personal matters in the future . . . unless it's to torture someone.'_

"I-Ino-chan, I was thinking, m-maybe we could, you know, get s-some new c-clothes for her!"

"Excellent idea, Hinata!" Ino agreed. "But first, we should put some make-up on her! Maybe that will bring her to her feminine senses!"

Hinata grinned in her head. This was great!! She hadn't even _thought_ about adding make up! Boy, was she glad she invited Ino!

"Y-yes, let's do it _after_ though. H-his, I mean, _her_ clothes are a b-bit, tattered."

Ino surveyed Jaken who was still in la-la land. "You're right! I know the perfect place! I get all my clothes there! Wait until you see it Hinata! We might even be able to get _you_ something new too! I mean that _ridiculously_ oversized jacket you're wearing!"

"Um, Ino-chan?" Hinata interrupted. "W-wouldn't it be easier t-to bring Jaken-kun . . . chan, to her s-senses if w-we dressed her in something she l-likes?"

"Hm. That's not a bad idea." She sighed. "Alright, alright. What does she like?"

"W-well, I recall her t-telling me that she is f-fond of . . ." Hinata trailed and blushed from supposed embarrassment.

"Well? A fan of what?" Ino asked, now eager.

Hinata whispered something.

"What? I can't hear you?"

"Ehem. L-Lolita."

Ino covered her mouth. "_No."_

"Uh-huh." Hinata nodded. "You heard too, r-right, Hanabi-chan?"

"Yup," Hanabi smirked in agreement.

Ino tried to suppress a snicker . . . but failed. "What a weirdo! A girl who thinks she's a boy and likes _Lolita_! Man! Well, I know the perfect place! Let's go!"

And so, the quartet headed off to a commercial center of Konoha until they arrived at a shop called "Lolita for Mary-Sues."

"This is the perfect place for all your Lolita needs!" a clerk yelled as they walked in.

"Yeah, put a sock in it," Ino stated. "Come on Hinata, let me pick out some things! You too Hanabi!"

And so, the trio figuratively ransacked the store from top to bottom while the still delirious Jaken lay face down on the floor where they dropped him. After days of searching . . . I mean, a few minutes, they each had the "perfect" outfit.

"I say we use this!" Hanabi perked. She held up a gothic outfit, similar to that of Misa from Death Note.

"Hanabi, have you been reading that manga again?" Hinata narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "Father put that on the blacklist after you began plotting in a black notebook to have some of the elders killed . . ."

"O-of course not! What makes you say that!" Hanabi yelled, flustered.

"Anyway," Ino put in, "that doesn't work. It obviously clashes with the psychedelic aura surrounding his, er, _her_ hair and nails. I recommend _this_."

In her hands, she held a pink dress with white lace and ruffles, red flower imprints, and pink bows all over.

Hinata's eyes sparkled as she threw what she was holding over her shoulder.

("Hey!" the clerk screamed as it was flung over her head.)

"Ino! T-that's marvelous! I'm sure she'll _love_ it! D-don't you Jaken?" Hinata looked around. "Jaken?" She used her byakugan and found him lying on the floor near the entrance. "Oops!" Hurrying towards him, she bent down. "Do you like this?" she pointed to the pink dress in Ino's hands.

"Uuuuuuh," Jaken groaned in pain.

Ino scrutinized him. "I think she's saying uuuuuuuh-huuuuuuuh. Yeah, uh-huh! She's saying she likes it! High five Hinata! You two Hanabi!"

The three exchanged congratulations then picked up Jaken and shoved him in a mirror-less dressing room with the dress.

Hinata called over the door, "Change into that, okay?"

A muffled groan was heard as the still dazed boy started changing into whatever it was that was thrown at him. It's a good thing, for Hina, that he didn't notice, or else she and Ino might have had to gather some manly assistance – the clerk – to force him into it.

A few minutes later, Jaken walked out.

Hanabi and Hinata suppressed snickers.

"Oh how colorful you are!" Ino squealed. "Here's some socks with matching pink roses and some pink shoes to go with it!" She thrust them into Jaken's arms and ushered him into wearing them. "Wonderful! Now, let's take her to a saloon to get some make-up on that boyish face!"

Hinata nodded her head as she followed Ino and Jaken, who was now wearing a pink and white dress, socks and shoes, had funky rainbow nails with pictures like Naruto and Sasuke and kittens on them, and psychedelic hair in Temari's style.

As it turned out, the saloon just _happened_ to be next door! How convenient! So, Jaken was promptly thrust – he seems to be doing that a lot, huh? – onto a chair and faced away from the vanity mirror.

"Well, stylist," Ino began, "this girl here is just _delirious_!"

"Hm, I can tell," the stylist commented, looking at Jaken's wasted expression.

"She thinks she's a _boy!_ Can you imagine that!" Ino ranted. "We need you to help fix up her face a bit to put her in her senses! What do you think? Can you do it!"

"_Can I?_ What _can't_ I do! That's the question!" the stylist said. She began applying foundations and gunk all over Jaken's face while ranting. "Hmm. I think the blush should be pink. No, no. Too much pink. What with that dress and all. How about magenta? Yes. And eye shadow! Well, we'll need something to match that abomination you call your hair! A mix of colors! Some yellows and greens and blues. Oh, why not some purple and pink while we're at it! Now for the lips! I see you have quite the exotic flair! I'm talking about your hair again, of course! You seem to have a fondness for color, so instead of one, how about I give you some multi-color lipstick!"

"A-all of this is long-lasting, r-right?" Hinata asked. "A-and waterproof?"

Ino looked at Hinata questioningly.

"W-we don't want her t-to r-ruin all y-your hard work, d-do we?" she explained.

"You're right!" Ino exclaimed.

"Don't worry!" the stylist assured. "I'm the best of the best! And so are my materials! This stuff will last until you use the right remover! I'll give you a bottle! Here!" Hinata took it for safe-keeping.

The stylist concentrated back on Jaken, who by this time, was beginning to get a hold of himself, again. "How about primary colors on top, secondary on the bottom? Hm? How does that sound?" She didn't wait for a reply when she started smearing on the lipstick. "Next we'll add some sparkling lip gloss to give it a nice _glow_! Ah, perfect! We're all done!" The stylist said proudly. She turned the chair around to face the mirror.

Jaken, now fully conscious, stared at himself in shock. Rainbow hair. Rainbow bangs. Four rainbow pigtails. Rainbow eyelids, eyebrows, eyelashes, lips. Purple cheeks. He looked down. He was wearing a _pink dress_ with _frills_! His nails were _colorful _and had pictures of _girly_ thingsand _boys_ on them! He looked back at the mirror and at his reflection again, taking a deep breath.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Hinata smiled serenely as she put earplugs in her ears. Ah, revenge was sweet.

Next time: For the Love of Ramen

_Omake_

Orochimaru looked up from his throne. '_Is Konoha creating a new torture method? I've been hearing some quite chilling screams. I fear that there may be an evil mastermind in the making . . . one who may surpass my level of evilness! My snake senses are tingling! Who could it be?'_ He thought for a minute. "No," he concluded aloud, "no one can surpass my evilness! Ku ku ku."

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A/N: Hee. Decided to add an omake just for fun. Anyway, I'd like to thank Chibi Kabuto, Xerxes93, Psycotic Gothic Chick, and SugarHappyBiChick for reviewing last chapter! Thank you! 

Again, if anyone has any ideas for Jaken, please don't hesitate to comment! This fic can't move forward without more pranks!

The dress Jaken is wearing was something that came up when I googled Lolita. If you want to see what it looks like, image google Lolita clothes. It should be on the first page, ninth picture.

Meanwhile, the poll is still up for vote!

**Is Jaken the flamer or is he being framed?**

So far, 3 votes goes to him being framed, 0 to him being the real flamer.

That settled, please review!


	5. For the Love of Ramen

Disclaimer: Ramen to the head was Chibi Kabuto's idea! That was a spoiler by the way.

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Recap: _With Ino's help, Jaken has been remade into a girl . . . in appearances anyway. Now that he's finally conscious again, how's Hinata going to get away with more torture?_

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Fire Five – _For the Love of Ramen_

"Oh!" Ino gasped slightly, as if she was unaffected by Jaken's ear-piercing scream which apparently was heard all the way to Otogakure. "I see you're _still_ in denial!" she clicked her tongue. "What a shame, what a_ shame_."

"What do you mean by _denial_!? What did you _do_ to me!?" Jaken screamed clutching his head oh so melodramatically. "Oh, the _humanity!_"

"Hinata! It seems our _ingenious_ hard work _still_ isn't working!" Ino exclaimed, obviously upset at Jaken's tantrum.

"Y-yes. It does, doesn't it?"

"We _obviously_ have to think of something else!"

"A-agreed."

"And I have the _perfect _idea in mind."

"Y-you do?"

Jaken perked up. "Oh _no_ you don't! You-you-you you _witches!_ That's what you all are! A bunch of torturing witches! That's it I'm _through_ with this! There can't possibly be a law here that-"

"What-did-you-call-me?" Ino gritted. Her face overshadowed the evil glare on her face. A vein protruded from her face.

On the other side of her, Hinata too was giving him a death glare, but for . . . different reasons. A 'you better not be backing out of this initiation' look was sent to him. In fact, the glare was filled with so much killer intent, he _almost_ wet his pants, making him wonder if this was the same stuttering neighbor.

Hanabi, on the other hand took it much differently. She smirked proudly. "Yup, I know I'm a witch, and proud of it. You know, you have to have a certain pride from being portrayed as a complete jerk and pompous ass in so many of those fanfictions. Of course, I don't know exactly _where_ the manga decided to portray me as one, but since _so _many authors simply_ insist_ on making me out to be a bitch-er, witch, I just can't help but be satisfied that you also think so." And she continued to rant and rant and rant. Of course, no one was actually _listening_ to her rant, because that just would have been much too troublesome, according to Shikamaru, who by the way, was _not_ there.

Anyway, back to the point. So Jaken had just threatened to abort the suicide – I mean, initiation – and called the gang witches, and Hinata and Ino were now giving him evil glares of death that promised lots of pain if he opened his big, fat mouth again. So he slowly backed away while the kunoichi regained control over themselves.

"Hinata," Ino forced herself to take a calming breath before beginning in a snobby British accent, "as I was saying before being so _rudely_ interrupted by the most _unladylike _behavior, I had an absolutely _perfect_ idea!"

Hinata replied in the same accent. "How so, Ino-chan?"

It seemed, instead of the kunoichi regaining control over themselves, some old English ladies had instead.

"Well, since dear Jaken just _refuses_ to accept who _she _is," Jaken's jaw dropped at the 'she,' "I thought that perhaps we ought to have him go on an outing, perhaps."

"Oh?" Hinata quipped. Oh no! Quipped! Now I'm starting to use advanced diction! "And who comes to mind, dear Ino-chan?"

"Why, Sir Naruto of Loserlot!"

"WHAT!?!?"

Ah, the overly polite British air finally crumbled and was replaced by a nice colloquial one.

"Exactly what I meant!" Ino squealed. "Let's face it! Naruto's too much of a loser to snag anyone himself! Think of it as us killing two birds with one stone! Jaken gets to act like a girl, and Naruto gets a date!"

"No!"

Ino suddenly realized something. Her eyes curved and her face turned into a lecherous grin. "Oh, I see Hinata." She giggled incessantly. "But don't worry then. I doesn't have to be real! We can just make Jaken think it is! Then, while Naruto's there, maybe we can set the two of _you_ up!"

Hinata became red as a tomato . . . or the blush on Jaken's cheeks, although, that's supposed to be magenta so . . . "W-w-what!? Oh n-n-no! I-I-I-"

"Oh come on Hinata! Lighten up! Let's go!"

With that, Ino forcibly grabbed Hinata and Jaken with each hand, complete forgetting about Hanabi who was still ranting about how proud she was of being called a bi- er _witch_ and didn't notice them ditching her.

Meanwhile, Ino was dashing towards Ichiraku's where Naruto was almost _always_ present. And lo and behold, there he was ordering his first bowl of miso ramen! What a lucky time to find him!

"Sit here!" Ino ordered to Jaken, pushing him right next to Naruto.

"What! No way!" But Jaken's protest of how he certainly was _not_ a homo died in his throat when Ino gave him her patented Ino-glare.

On Naruto's right side, Hinata sat glaring across from him at Jaken, who was sweating dearly due to the two kunoichi's glares. Hm, the make-up wasn't running. That stuff must be _really_ good!

After finishing his first bowl of ramen and starting on a second, Naruto finally noticed he was surrounded. "Eh, hey Hinata, Ino." He turned to his left. "Who the heck is _that?"_

"That's Jaken, Naruto! She's going to join you!" Ino chirped happily.

"No way!" Naruto protested. "I'd scram out of here now, seeing that _horrible_ face," he paused and assumed a British accent – oh dear, I see where the air passed – "however, for the love of ramen, my _ever_ so dear companion, I shall coerce myself into enduring this wretched, _wretched_ unsightly sight!" After his monologue, he thrust himself into his second bowl. Not literally, of course.

Ino gaped at his vocabulary before getting a hold of herself. She grabbed the bowl he was eating and threw it. It flew straight at Jaken, but she wasn't paying attention. They all ignored her, I mean, _his_ screams.

"Naruto, you are surrounded by a trio of _lovely_ girls. The least you could do is get over your stomach for a bit and _act_ like a gentleman!"

"Ino, nothing, I repeat, _nothing_, can possibly overcome my love of ramen." Naruto said seriously.

Hinata finally butted in. "I-I understand, Naruto-kun. E-eat as much as you like! I'll pay for _all_ of it!"

"Really, Hinata? Man, you're the best!" he dug into another bowl.

Hinata grinned to herself. The way to a man's heart was through his stomach alright.

Ino 'hmpf-ed' and turned to say something to Jaken when she shrieked.

"What is it?" Hinata asked.

Even Naruto paused for a second to look. What he saw caused him to spit his ramen out from laughter adding to the mess on Jaken.

Indeed, it seemed the only 'long-lasting' part of the make up didn't apply to hot, steaming bowls of ramen. Currently, strands of ramen decorated his hair and his mascara and eye products were running downwards and streaking his face, causing there to be a trail of rainbows falling down. It might as well have been a rainbow version of Ulquiorra's face!

"Oh man, what a clown!" Naruto laughed before eating again. What a weirdo that Jaken was!

Suddenly, a shrieking green whirlwind rushed by them grabbing Jaken along with it. Hinata gasped and ran after her prey.

"B-bye, Naruto-kun!" It seemed she wouldn't be paying for his ramen after all.

Next time: By the Powers of Youth

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A/N: Aw, man, I think I'm losing my humorous spark. Sorry this took a little longer to post, but my computer wasn't uploading! Uploading problems -- gags. 

Anyway, thanks to Chibi Kabuto, Psycotic Gothic Chick, gflefgdsg, and hfchawgcjhs for reviewing. Man, the last two names are a killer. Oh yeah, **hfchawgcjhs **what did you mean by "I am you"?

Most people are pretty set on someone else being the flamer, so who will it be?

So far, I have suggestions for Naruto and Hanabi.

Please review!


	6. By the Powers of Youth

Disclaimer: Sigh. I really am tired of these things. See the first page!

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Recap: _After visiting Naruto in a ramen stand, Jaken gets pulled away by a green blur!_

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"Wah!" Jaken screamed as tears ran out of his eyes. Oh dear, that wasn't very good, the mascara began to run even more! 

Indeed, Hinata was forced to use her excellent shinobi dodge ball skills to avoid the flying rainbow drops of mascara that flowed out from behind him. But still, she continued on . . . anything was worth the chance to see kaiizaa suffering! '_Ku ku ku ku.'_

Fire Six – _By the Powers of Youth_

At last, after days, hours, minutes, okay, seconds of traveling, the whirlwind stopped at a clearing about six yards away from Ichiraku's ramen stand. In it's epicenter, a lone man stood, towering over all. He faced another man. Their eyes met, caterpillar eyebrows shrugging, teeth flashing brighter than the sun's rays, suits greener than nature herself. They were –

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!" Lee released his hand-wrenching squeeze on Jaken.

"Lee!" A sunset appeared.

"Gai-sensei!" Waves crashed on a rocky shore.

"Lee!" Ah, how brightly the sun was shining!

"Gai-sen-"

"Ah, put a sock in it." Oh, there goes the special effects! A random bystander literally threw a dirty sock at the pair. However, this random bystander was a civilian, not a shinobi, and so, it fluttered onto Jaken's head instead. This had nothing to do with the fact that Hinata had connected chakra strings to it of course. Oh no. Why would anyone think that?

"Lee-kun!" Hinata greeted.

Jaken stiffened when he heard Hinata behind him and slowly began to try and edge away from her in an escape attempt. Luck was not on the poor boy's side however. Lee quickly grasped his elbow and pulled him toward Gai.

"Gai-sensei! Look at this _beautiful_ catch!"

Gai's eyes began watering with pride. "Indeed, Lee! I've taught you well!" He sniffed and wiped his eyes on his sleeves. "Just, just look at that _ravishing_ beauty! The colors! Oh the colors! _Anyone_ can tell that this young lady _clearly_ has been blessed with," he paused and assumed a mighty pose, "_the Power of Youth!"_

"Wait!" Jaken protested. "I am _not_ a girl and I have no idea what this _power of youth_ is nor do I want to find out! Now if you'll excuse me!"

"Hm." Gai walked in front of the boy and scrutinized him. He stared deep into those brown eyes until he could see his own reflection. And Jaken's reflection in his own reflection. And his own reflection in Jaken's reflection in his own reflection. And Jaken's reflection in his own reflection in Jaken's reflection in – you get the point. Suddenly he came to a grave conclusion. "Lee," he started, "I hate to say this, but it seems," he sniffed dramatically, "it seems that your new beloved is youthful in appearances only! Oh the shame!!"

Lee threw his head back and yelled to the sky and universe beyond. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

Oh what an ear wrenching, heart twisting scream that was! Civilians around the street and many lesser level shinobi began to faint on the street after their eardrums burst. Deep in Otogakure, in Orochimaru's lair, the snake sannin couldn't help but shiver a bit. "Yes, I think Konoha may be going through some new renovations." But this story isn't about Orochimaru! Back to Konoha!

The impact of his voice not only caused many people to drop where they stood, it also blew Jaken straight into a wall – he _was_ standing right in front of the duo.

"Calm down, Lee!" Gai gave a thumbs-up to the genin. His teeth began to sparkle. "I _always_ have a solution!"

Lee gave Gai his full attention. "Wow, Gai-sensei, you're so cool!" He took out a notepad from nowhere. "So what do we do?"

"It's obvious how we can fix this dilemma! We shall train this girl in the ways of youthfulness!" Gai began to rummage in his vest pockets. "And I have just the uniform for our feminine friend!" He pulled out a training suit. "Gai's Super Suit Special Edition!" He waved the uniform proudly.

It was special edition alright – a carbon copy of the suit Gai and Lee wore, only, instead of being a deep, forest green, it was a tie-dye rainbow color. Oh, and it had a little miniskirt over the long pants that resembled a ballerina's tutu.

Jaken whimpered. "Someone help me," he pleaded to no one in particular. "Oh please, someone have mercy!!"

Gai tsked. "It seems we really have our work cut out for us Lee!"

"Indeed, Gai-sensei!" Lee began to drag Jaken off into his training spot.

"No. No! No!!!!!" Jaken screamed. "HAVE MERCY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ah, it was even louder than Lee's scream! Unfortunately, Gai and Lee were quite a bit deaf when it came to situations like these and carried on quite cheerily. Hinata smiled serenely as she followed them, a pair of earplugs nestled smugly in her ears.

When she arrived at the clearing, she saw that Jaken had changed out of the Lolita dress and was now wearing Gai's special edition training suit. With satisfaction, she noted that the make up was still splayed all over Jaken's face.

"Alright, my friend!" Lee began eagerly. "Together, we will each do five-hundred laps around Konoha, five-hundred sit-ups, and five-hundred push-ups! That's just a warm-up! Then, we'll each do a thousand punches and kicks, spar, and – hey, where are you going?" Lee questioned as Jaken made to run out of the clearing. Quicker than a Raiton jutsu, Lee appeared in front of him and began reassuring him. "Don't worry, this training is nothing! By the time we're through, you'll be all youthful and green! Just like us!" He gestured at Gai and himself. They both grinned at Jaken, teeth radiating brightly.

"Oh, my eyes! My eyes!" Jaken howled as he shielded his eyes. He could have sworn he was partially blind from those white rays of light emanating from those teeth.

Lee took advantage of his moment of weakness. "Let's get started!" He dragged Jaken as he took off to begin his five-hundred laps. His speed was so fast, Jaken flew behind him like a kite, tears and saliva leaking out of his eyes and mouth. Well, at least the ramen on him had dried off from the friction!

Hinata chose a nice tall point to watch from and unfolded a beach chair out of nowhere. She laid back, crossed her legs. A tropical drink appeared out of thin air. Man, those Hyuuga sure are resourceful! She took a long sip and smiled wickedly. It was time to relax and enjoy the show.

Next time: Call of the Wild

_Omake_

"Kabuto!"

The medic nin looked up from his experimentation table to see the snake sannin holding onto a stuffed Manda as if for dear life. He quirked an eyebrow. "Is everything alright, Orochimaru-sama?"

"Kabuto!" Orochimaru whispered wildly. "I hear screams! Torturous screams. Twisting, wrenching screams! Screams of mercy! And they all come from Konoha! I fear they are inventing some strange mechanism they will use on me!" He squeezed the stuffed Manda.

"That's impossible, Orochimaru-sama. There's no way you could hear anything from Konoha. It's miles and days away! Now, if you'll leave me to my experimentations," the assistant turned and continued on his work, ignoring the whimpering sannin.

"Kabuto!" the sannin called for the third time.

"_Yes,_ Orochimaru-sama," the medic replied, rolling his eyes.

"That's not all! I hear sweet voices laughing evilly! They're mocking me. They go 'ku ku ku' – like me! It's, it's, it's, oh the snake-manity!" Orochimaru cuddled his plushie and ran out of the lab.

Kabuto grinned once the sannin had left. It seemed the Konoha to Oto speaker system he'd installed worked after all!

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A/N: First off, thanks to LadyMononoke756, Chibi Kabuto, band geeks are hot, and EvilFuzzy9 for reviewing! Psycotic Gothic Chick, weeps, where are you??? 

On another note, polls are still up. I think I know what I'm going to do, but I want to see what everyone else thinks. So far, we have two votes for Naruto being the flamer, one for Neji, and one for Hanabi and one for Sasuke or Hiashi. Anyone who hasn't voted, please feel free to!

I added another short omake just for fun. Hoped you enjoyed it! Now please push the little button on the lower left hand corner and –

– Review!


	7. Call of the Wild

Disclaimer: The fire hydrant part completely is thanks to Af. Without her/him, I never would have thought of it! Rurouni Kenshin is not mine! Neither is Care Bears!

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Recap: _Concluding that Jaken was lacking inner youth power, Lee decided to have him join in one of his training sessions! Meanwhile, Hinata was on a mini-vacation as she sat back and watched._

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Hinata slurped up the remains of her tropical smoothie. Yum! She got up. After about three hundred twenty-one laps around Konoha – again, if you add the three, two, and one, you'll get six – she decided she should "save" her new neighbor and move onto bigger and better things. It _was_ getting a bit dull watching the two go round and round, although the heart-wrenching screams she heard every time Lee passed by with Jaken was dearly entertaining. 

And so, while Lee passed by on his three-hundredth twenty-first lap, she used her insanely agile kunoichi skills to grab her _favorite_ neighbor and replace him with a dummy of Orochimaru. Lee couldn't tell the difference anyway, he was going so fast. Why she had an Orochimaru dummy on hand, we mortals cannot comprehend . . . but those Hyuuga sure are really resourceful, huh?

Anyway, taking advantage of Jaken wobbling back and forth, with swirly eyes – it kind of reminds one of Himura Kenshin after _he's_ been beaten up – our evil protagonist quickly stuffed him into a giant, stuffed, red fire hydrant . . . do they have those in Konoha? Well, they do now! Where did she get it anyway? Seriously, these things keep popping up out of nowhere! Geez, a beach chair, a drink, Orochimaru dummies, and now a fire hydrant? What a whacked up Hyuuga! Er, I mean, on with the chapter!

Fire Seven – _Call of the Wild_

Using her insanely cool shinobi stealth, Hinata managed to get the huge fire hydrant right to Kiba's front door without anyone seeing her!

"Hey, hey, what are you doing? Why am I wearing a, _what_ am I wearing? I can't see!" It seemed Jaken had once again regained consciousness.

Hinata ignored him and cheerily skipped up to her teammate's house. "Kiba-kun!" she called softly, knocking on the door.

"Oi! Stop ignoring me you!"

Well, you can't very well tell someone who's not listening to start to listen, because well, if she isn't listening in the first place, how can she hear that she's supposed to be listening? And so, Hinata waited for the door to open and open it did – duh, it couldn't have closed since it was _already_ shut!

"Hinata-chan?" a woman asked.

"Hai, Hana-san! I-is Kiba-kun here?" Hinata greeted.

"Yeah! He was just getting ready to head out with Akamaru and do some aerodynamic training. I'll go get – WHOA! Am I hallucinating or is that a giant, red fire hydrant!?" Hana burst.

"I-it would seem, you're seeing c-correctly, Hana-san. B-because I see it too!"

"Whoo!" Hana whooped. She turned inside. "Come on out boys! I've solved the doo-doo problem!"

As she said this, large canine missing an ear, a pack of three dogs, and a boat load of other types ran out of the house and began going on the hydrant.

Hana turned to Hinata. "I have to tell you, this is the perfect timing! We're having a bunch of guests over for Kuromaru's birthday, and well, we couldn't have them all relieving themselves in the backyard! Now they can do it in the front!" What twisted logic!

Hinata smiled. "Um, of course."

At that moment, Kiba came down. "Hey, Hinata! What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I was just coming to, um, to . . . wish Kuromaru happy birthday!"

"Wow, isn't she the sweetest, nee-san?" Kiba mentioned to his sister. Oh, the irony.

"Yup, she certainly is."

Kiba started out the door, when, "WHOA! That is the _biggest_ fire hydrant I have _ever_ seen, well, it might very well be the first. In that case, biggest, smallest, reddest . . ."

"Put a sock in it, Kiba." Hana ordered.

"Right."

"Well, I'd let Akamaru take a dump there too, but we're going to have to save it all up for our aerodynamic training!"

It was strange, the trio had their entire conversation without hearing Jaken's pleading screams for mercy. They must really be masters and tuning things out – some shinobi!

When the pack of dogs finally finished their business, Kiba and Akamaru headed out!

"W-wait, Kiba-kun!" Hinata stealthily retrieved the scarred-for-this-life-and-all-eternity Jaken from the fire hydrant and ran after him.

"No! No! No!!!!!!!!! Let go of me you evil, _evil_ witch!" Jaken moaned.

"Yeah, Hinata-chan?" Kiba asked, ignoring Jaken.

"M-my neighbor here wanted to do aerodynamic t-training with you!"

"Oh?" Kiba suddenly acted like he saw Jaken for the first time. His eyes widened before he covered them. "OH MY EYES!!! He looks like, like a Temari-Gai-Lee-Care Bear crossbreed!"

Hinata edged closer to Kiba and whispered to him. "M-maybe the a-aerodynamic training might, you know, put him into his senses!"

Kiba nodded reluctantly. "You're always right, Hinata-chan." Slowly, he edged toward Jaken like he was the plague, and then grabbed a piece of his special edition jump suit and pulled him into the forest with him. How he got to the forest so fast, the world may never know!

"I'll wait out here for you, Kiba-kun!" Hinata called after her teammate. She would have followed to witness Jaken's torment, but she had no intention of getting any "markings" on herself. And so, she patiently began to whistle _Hero's Come Back_ by nobodyknows while she waited for them. "_Everybody hands up!_ Yeah!" she began putting her hands up and hip-hopping in front of Kiba's house.

"Um, Hinata-sama?" someone asked.

Uh oh, caught in the act! How could she let herself appear extroverted when she was supposed to be introverted! Oh no! She turned.

"Neji-nii-san!"

Somewhere, someone in green screamed.

Next time: A Cousin's Fury

Omake

"AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Lee wailed. He coddled the Orochimaru dummy in his arms. "Oh, my sweet angel! What have I done to you! My enthusiasm has caused you to transform into a doll! An evil one! Oh!" He suddenly stopped and ran to find his sensei. "Gai-sensei!!"

"Yes, Lee?" Gai asked, magically appearing out of nowhere.

"Look what has happened! My beautiful, youthful find had been turned into a doll! With the mocking face of Orochimaru!"

"Oh, Lee! I'm so sorry," Gai wept, tear streaming down his face. "But this can only mean one thing!"

"What is it, Gai-sensei? Please, don't tell me this is irreversible!"

"No! You don't understand, Lee! She has not been turned into a doll! She has been," Gai stopped, as if he couldn't say it.

"What is it, Gai-sensei? Please tell me! I can take it!!"

"It means," Gai swallowed, "your beloved has been," he stuttered, "he has been, KIDNAPPED!!"

Lee gasped. "_KIDNAPPED_!!"

"Yes, kidnapped."

"But by _whom_!?"

"There is only one person, only one, who would dare do such a thing."

"Who?"

"Only one person, so _evil_."

"Who?"

"Oh, there can be no one else!"

"WHO!?"

"And that person is," Gai paused melodramatically again, "Orochimaru!"

Lee gaped. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Don't worry Lee!" Gai grinned. "We'll track him down and get her back!"

Lee sniffed. "Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

_Smack!_ "We don't have time for this!" Gai pumped. "We must go! Off into the sunset!"

And off the pair went, to reclaim Lee's lost love!

Meanwhile, somewhere in Otogakure, a certain snake sannin experienced an ominous feeling.

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A/N: Well, I calculate that there are only a few chapters left here! Thank you to band geeks are hot, lilchibihina, SarcasticallyTroublesomeGirl, Mitsuki, Af, Night Neko-Jin, Psycotic Gothic Chick, for reviewing! Especially STG who went through and left a review for practically every chapter! I feel so happy so many people reviewed! Thank you! 

Well, it's time for the poll!

So far, Sasuke's in the lead with three votes, followed by Naruto and Hanabi with two votes each and closing with Hiashi, Neji, and an OC with one vote a piece.

That finished, please –

–Review!


	8. A Cousin's Fury

Disclaimer:Kudos to Af for his/her Tenten idea.I don't own Hello Kitty!

**Before I give my reader's the next chapter, I'd just like to take a bit of time out of this chapter to respond to a review I received from, you guessed it, my old friend kaiizaa! Apparently now called Kaiizaa II.**

**Kaiizaa II**

Wow, it's been a while hasn't it? Last time we interacted, I recall you left me a message with a simple two words: u basterd. By the way, did you know the word has two a's? It's _bastard_ not _basterd_. Oh yeah, I assure you I was born legitimately.

Anyway, since you didn't log-in to leave your review, I thought I'd just answer it in here. First off, thanks for complimenting me! You left so many asterisks, I can only assume they mean stars! How kind of you to think of me as one!

Second, you accused me of creating this to hurt you. This little fiction is in no way designed to do so. If I recall, I specifically told you on the second of September of last year that I would use a different name as the flamer; however, you _personally _assured me that it was alright for me to use your alias the next day, even _after_ I had told you it would entail 'pranks and stuff.' I have every single one of our encounters saved, and if you would like, I can show you the e-mail in which you gave me your permission.

Furthermore, this is simply a light-hearted fiction that I thought up, so please don't be so overconfident as to assume that I have you in mind when I'm writing it. I acknowledge that it was your flame that inspired this story; however, although the names 'kaiizaa' and 'Kionu Jaken' – a butchering of 'Jake Kion' – are present in this, it does not mean that this story revolves around thrashing you. On the contrary, I have no particular person in mind except the OC and whichever of Kishimoto-sensei's characters I decide to use.

My point: Please don't be so immature as to assume that I'm writing this to 'hurt' you. Unlike you, I'm not the type of person to purposely try and put down others. Sure, I'm writing a fiction whose main purpose is bashing, but as you can see, the bashing is towards an _OC_, not you, not anyone in _Naruto's_ cast, nor any other person or character. And as you may also notice, the pranks aren't designed to be taken seriously. Hinata doesn't go up to Jaken's face and start to use profanity on him to break his mentality – she naïvely tries to get back at him through silly deeds. They're simply jokes to give my fellow authors and readers something to laugh about.

To conclude, I have a suggestion. Maybe if you ceased in your incessant flaming, your conscious won't delude yourself into thinking that authors you've flamed in the past are out to get you, because trust me, I couldn't care less about you. I have a life and other people to think about.

Well, I better get on with this chapter before my other readers get impatient. And so, with much cheer and gusto! –chairomori

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Recap: _Hinata dresses Jaken up as a gigantic, red fire hydrant and leaves him in front of Kiba's house. Later, she suggests that her teammate allow her new neighbor to join Akamaru and him in their aerodynamic training. While they're gone, she decides to pass the time by engaging in a bit of hip-hop and _Hero's Come Back.

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Fire Eight – _A Cousin's Fury_

"Um, Hinata-sama?" Neji uncharacteristically hesitated. Wow, who knew Neji could be surprised?

"Uh, uh, um, N-Neji-nii-san! W-what are y-you doing here!?" Hinata stuttered as if there was no tomorrow.

"I was on my way to meet Tenten for our spar. But that aside, what were you doing just now?"

'_What does it look like? And he's supposed to be a _genius_. Please!'_ She laughed nervously. "U-uh, I was, um, er, trying to . . . catch a fly! Uh huh! Y-you know how t-tricky those t-things are, r-right?"

". . . I didn't see anything."

'_Darn him! He's smarter than I thought! I must admit, he's a bit of a genius after all!'_ Hinata could feel waves of sweat pouring off her head. "T-that's because it wasn't a fly! I-it was a mosquito! A-a small one too! Y-you know how t-tricky those things can be! D-don't want to g-get a disease or anything, r-right? Ku k– he he!"

Neji stared at her suspiciously. Suddenly, he slackened and sighed. "Hinata-sama, take a seat."

"Eh?" she quirked an eyebrow. They were still in Kiba's front yard.

Neji magically pulled out two squishy couches from thin air. Hey, don't forget, he's a Hyuuga too, and we all know by now how resourceful they all are! He sat in one and pointed to the other. "Sit."

Hinata sat obediently, sweat still cascading down. "W-what i-is it, Neji-nii-san?"

"Hinata-sama," Neji sighed again, shaking his head in disappointment, "I'm very disappointed in you."

Hinata gasped. What did she expect? He _was_ shaking his head in disappointment! "W-what d-do you m-mean?"

"Hinata-sama, it's okay," Neji said gingerly. "You don't have to hide it anymore."

Oh no, it seems he's on to our heroine! Hinata began to sweat even more. It's amazing the Kiba's front yard wasn't waterlogged yet. "I-I don't understand!"

"It's okay, Hinata-sama. I have known it for a long time. What else would account for the times when you acted so unlike yourself? For the times when you would grin so deviously like Orochimaru? It's painful, yes," he heaved a half-sob, "but no matter what, you know don't have to hide it from me or any of us. We'll still accept you."

'_Noooooo! My identity cannot be discovered by the likes of Neji! Never!! I am _Hina-dono_!! The genius. The Einstein. The mastermind!'_ Hinata cursed a googolplex times over. "I-I-I-"

"Hinata-sama," Neji continued tenderly, "it's okay. You don't have to make excuses. There's no shame in being, in being," he paused, as if he couldn't say the word, "in being _bipolar_!!"

Hinata blinked. "What? Where'd you get _that_?" she asked coolly, realizing Neji had no idea she was Hina. '_I knew he wasn't smart enough!'_

"That just proves it, Hinata-sama. You see, the Hinata-sama who usually talks would _never_ use that tone. Yet, you just talked to me without a _single_ stutter!"

"So, you really think I'm bipolar or whatever, huh?" Hinata said, dropping her innocent act.

"I don't _think_, Hinata-sama, I _know_. You've just proven it!"

"Riiiight," Hinata rolled her eyes in front of Neji's face. What did she care? He thought she was whacked!

At the gesture, Neji clucked quietly.

"Don't do that Neji, you sound like a fucking hen." Oh no, all restraints had come loose!

"Yes," he talked to himself. "It's definitely a serious case."

"So, Neji, how long have you known?" Hinata asked casually. _'He's talking to himself, and yet he thinks _I'm_ whacked?'_

"It took me a while to put all the pieces together, but to be truthful, I have known for about," he pulled a pink Hello Kitty watch out of nowhere, "five minutes."

Hinata resisted the urge to fall over anime style. After all, she was an _heiress_ and much to dignified to do anything as silly as that! "You mean when you saw me hip-hopping?"

"So _that's_ what you were doing! I thought another one of your personalities was trying to find a way to break the time and space inter-dimensional portal!"

"Um, Neji?"

"Yes?"

"Nevermind."

"No please, tell me."

"You're an idiot."

"You know, Hinata-sama, I would usually take offense to that remark if someone else had said it; however, seeing as how you're suffering from such a hideous mental disease and obviously have no control over yourself, I'll let it slide."

"Neji?"

"Yes?"

"Do you want to know _how_ I developed this?"

"You mean to tell me you _know_!"

"Well, yeah!"

"Tell me! Maybe we can cure you!"

"Well, you know our new neighbors?" Hinata began, an evil glint returning to her eye. Neji passed it off as a mental problem. "Well, they have a son. He-he wrote some _horrible_ things to me!"

"He did, did he?" Neji suddenly gained an evil glint in his eyes to match Hinata's.

"Y-yes," she began to stutter again. "And I'm a-afraid, I-"

"There's no need to say anymore, Hinata-sama," Neji said. "I will take care of everything." He turned and strutted off. "Please, if you can, have this _neighbor _of ours meet me at my training spot. I will see to it you are properly avenged, Hinata-sama."

"Of course! T-thank you, Neji-nii-san!" Hinata hopped up from her couch.

With that, the two went their separate ways, leaving Hana to wonder how in the world the Inuzuka residence suddenly gained a pair of couches.

After parting with Neji, Hinata eagerly ran after Kiba. There was no way she was going to let such an opportunity escape her. It wasn't very hard. She didn't have to use her byakugan or anything. Nope. All she did was follow the pee! And off she went, into the setting sun, er, forest.

Anyway, when she finally came to the end of the urination trail, she found her teammates, plus Shino, currently staring at something. It seemed that Jaken was on the floor with a swollen face.

Shino turned to Hinata. "He got in the way while I was collecting a sample of insects with stingers," he explained.

"Oh, what a pity," she pretended to sympathize. "Kiba-kun! Do you mind if I take Jaken-kun back!"

"Be my guest! No offense Hinata-chan, but your neighbor's a jerk! Can you believe he said Akamaru's pee stinks? The nerve!"

Hinata nodded. "Uh huh." Turning to Jaken, she realized that his special edition jump suit was a bit drenched and stinking. There was no way she was going to go near him. But then, she wouldn't be able to drag him to Neji! She doubted he'd be listening to her schemes now. Suddenly, a light bulb went on. It was time to use, the super duper, extra-duty Hyuuga patented net! In an instant, Jaken was captured and dragged away with no stink on Hinata at all!

"Curse you!!!!!!" He screamed at the world.

"Oh put a sock in it!" Hinata threw a sock at him. It seemed she had kept it from chapter six!

And so, she dragged him all the way past Kiba's house to Neji's training spot where he and Tenten were patiently waiting.

"I told you she would come with our new training partner," Neji said to his teammate.

Tenten went closer to get a good look at Jaken. "This _can't_ be possible!"

"What is it?" Neji asked.

"Look at what he's _wearing_," Tenten exclaimed through gritted teeth.

Neji stared. Suddenly, his face shadowed.

"Neji," Tenten began, beginning to see red. "I _cannot_, I repeat, _cannot_ allow another Gai wannabe to exist! I say we put a stop to this now!"

"Yes. We'll kill two birds with one stone!" Neji said to himself.

"Allow me to help!" Hinata put in. She pulled out a dummy costume from the air and swoop, there Jaken was, out of the net and in the dummy. "Where would you like him? On a tree? A rope?"

"You can just leave him, Hinata," Tenten said. "I'd like to see him run for mommy – not that he'll be able to once we're through." She grinned maliciously as she pulled out a scroll. Flames of chakra could be seen radiating off her. If Lee were there, he might have thought she were possessed by the Power of Youth's evil counterpart!

Jaken gulped and tried to waddle away in the heavy costume, muttering, "Mommy," under his breath.

"Oh no you don't you little rainbow, Gai-sensei ducky!!" In an instant, Jaken found he had become a human pincushion.

Neji's fists crackled with pent in anger and chakra. One might think he had learned the chidori with all that crackling. He muttered like a robot, "Must avenge Hinata-sama. Must destroy evil Gai-sensei clone. Must avenge Hinata-sama. Must destroy evil Gai-sensei clone." He began to walk awkwardly with arms swinging mechanically toward the pincushion.

"Um, Neji? What are you _doing_?" Tenten quirked her eyebrow.

He got a hold of himself. "Nothing," he replied. '_I was just practicing my evil when-robots-take-over-the-world march.'_ That settled, he strode toward the pincushion and got into his Gentle Fist stance. "You are a plague to society," he said confidently to Jaken. "Fate has decreed that it is my duty to rid you from this world, lest your youthfulness spread like an unwanted disease into the rest of Konoha." With his little mini-speech finished, he began to beat the living daylights out of Jaken the pincushion with his palms.

On the sidelines, Hinata watched gleefully as Neji and Tenten took turns punching and maiming him. She had a Cheshire cat grin on her face. '_There goes another kunai, and a kusarigama. Ooh! She's taking out a wakizashi and Neji-nii's getting into his sixty-four trigram stance! Should I step in? Wouldn't want to get sued or anything if he gets sent to the hospital . . . Nah! That's what he gets for flaming Hina-dono!!'_ And so, she continued to watch with a totally inappropriate, peaceful and pleasant look on her face.

Next time: The Enlightening

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A/N: Thank you to Chibi Kabuto, EvilFuzzy9, Yonoka Takai, Af, SarcasticallyTroublesomeGirl, SumikaAmayaOblivion, and Psycotic Gothic Chick for responding to the last chapter! So many people! I feel so loved! Thank you very much!

Now for the poll! This is the last chance to vote because I'm going to be "revealing" the flamer next chapter which is probably the second to last. Here are the results so far:

Sasuke's still in first place with three votes, leading Naruto and Hanabi by two votes a piece, followed by Neji, Hiashi, Jiraiya and an OC by one vote each.

If you haven't voted already, now's your last chance!

That settled, please –

–review!


	9. The Enlightening

Disclaimer: And the results are in! The flamer was ultimately chosen by my readers, not me! Kudos to Psycotic Gothic Chick for Jaken's secret fascination!

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Recap: _Hinata hands over Jaken to Neji and Tenten, who vent their fury out onto the their victim. Will this madness ever stop?_

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Fire Nine – _The Enlightening_

"That's it! I've _had_ it!" Jaken screamed. His porcupine body flopped helplessly on the ground, a product of Neji and Tenten's fury. Before their very eyes, a burst of fire could be seen growing within him. All of the sudden, he stood up, roaring with energy! In fact, waves of fire could be seen radiating off of him.

"The Flames of Youth! They're alive!!!!" Tenten screamed melodramatically, grasping her face in horror. She hid behind Neji and pushed him forward. "Take him first! Not me!"

"Never!" Neji prepared to use Kaiten should, in his opinion, evil alien sent to take over the Naruto world, come closer. Hm, _someone's_ been reading a bit too much science fiction.

Meanwhile, Hinata sweatdropped at their antics. "Um, I think he's just on fire. Although, I'm not quite sure how that got there." She innocently disposed of a used match.

Jaken looked down. "My tutu's on fire!! Aggghhhhh!!!!!" He screamed and ran off into the sunset.

Hinata ran after him. "See you!" she chirped cheerily back to Neji and Tenten, who remained where they were, shivering from what they could swear was someone from Planet Gai, sent there to infect their world with the Power of Youth.

Moving on! Hinata once more used her excellent kunoichi stealth to follow her prey as he attempted to escape. _'You can't run away from me. Oh no. Ku ku ku.'_ She let off a evil, malicious laugh as she followed his flaming tutu. "Ku ku ku ku."

Hearing the laughter, but not seeing, Jaken felt shivers run down his spine and began to run faster towards his home on 1234 Hyuuga Way.

He didn't get very far when a hand dragged him back.

"Oh! You're on fire! Do you need help?"

He turned and saw a pink-haired kunoichi addressing him. Seeing the Konoha hitai-ate on her head, he though she was another demon sent by his evil two-face neighbor. "Aggghhh!! Back off you, you, you big-headed demon!"

The kunoichi, Sakura, twitched. "WHAT DID YOU CALL ME, YOU JERK!?!?" She hoisted him in the air, flaming tutu and all and punched him with a chakra-enhanced fist.

"Ku ku ku," Hinata laughed in the covers of the trees. She hadn't even _planned_ that part! "Ku ku ku ku." And soon she was off chasing the flying rainbow, leaving Sakura to wonder why she just seemed to hear Orochimaru's voice nearby.

As Jaken flew overhead, she could see small rectangles flying out from under his shirt.

'_What's this?'_ She burst ahead of him and caught them. One by one, she found copies of her _Killer Kunoichi_ series, complete with heart shaped graffiti and annotations within the margins stating his love for the book. Now _that_ was just disturbing!

She rubbed her chin thoughtfully. _'Hm . . . what kind of boy would do a thing like this? Unless . . . _he's_ a _she_! But then, how, what, _no!_ It can't really be, can it? Hm . . .'_ What a quandary! To think that there could be something to stump even the great Hina! Suddenly she decided, _'Either _she's_ in denial, or _he's_ gay or something. Ku ku ku. Perfect blackmail materia!'_

Once she reached her conclusion, she followed the smoke plume which had came up once Jaken landed. Hm, it looked like the Akimichi residence! She pulled out the pink Hello Kitty watch Neji had earlier – she _finally_ had evidence about his fetish for Hello Kitty! – and looked at the time.

"Hm. Maybe enough for one last prank?" That settled, she leaped off toward the Akimichi's where she found Jaken lying in a heap.

"Hinata! Hey!" Chouji called, walking over to her. "Man, do you know what happened? I was just opening another bag of chips and BOOM! Something falls from the sky!"

"I-I'm afraid I d-do, Chouji-kun," Hinata pretended to speak reluctantly.

"Huh?"

"I-I mean that, he s-said all the A-Akimichi are f-f-f," she didn't dare say the word.

Chouji narrowed his eyes. At the suggestion, he didn't even stop to think about what that had to do with Jaken falling from the sky. "What did he say about my family?"

"H-he said t-that you were, f-f-f."

"F-f-f- what!"

"F-f-f-_fat!_"

"WHAT!! What did you say!"

"H-he said it! N-not me!" Hinata waved her hands in innocence.

At this point, Jaken, who was no longer flaming, started to stir. He got up to see a _very_ angry Akimichi.

"It's one thing to insult me! But it's another to insult my family!! AAAAARRRR!!!" Chouji let out a battle cry before expanding himself and rolling into a ball.

"Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!" Jaken screamed before running away from the meat tank.

Hinata smiled serenely and started to walk cheerily after them. She would have followed; however, something caught her eye. There just _happened_ to be a bookstore next to the Akimichi's house, and she just _happened_ to see two people standing in the aisle dedicated to _Killer Kunoichi_.

Who were the two people? None other than Uchiha Sasuke and Uzumaki Naruto!!

She clapped her hands with glee that the top rookie of their year and her secret crush were into _her_ masterpiece! Forgetting about Jaken, she opened the door and quickly hid herself in the opposite aisle so she could hear them.

"Seriously, Naruto. This series is so _lame_. I mean, who would actually be dumb enough to write about a kunoichi beating up shinobi? Everyone _knows_ shinobi are _way _better than kunoichi."

Behind him, Hinata gritted her teeth. The nerve of the Uchiha!

"Then why are you here? Let's go to the manga section!" Naruto whined.

"Because, I'm finding stuff in the book to flame this stupid 'Hina' with."

"You? Flaming someone? Come on! Everyone knows Uchiha are too _great_ to get do anything like that!"

"For your information," Sasuke said, "I've already sent one. I made sure to disguise my handwriting and grammar skills. I even faked the return address so no one traces it back to me!"

"Well, you're pretty stupid to be telling me then. What if I was this 'Hina'?"

"Dobe. You're too stupid to write anything like this."

"Whatever, teme. Let's just go to the manga section already!!!!"

"Alright!" Sasuke led the way.

Meanwhile, Hinata, with swarms of radiating anger rolling off her, left the bookshop. It's quite amazing no one noticed all that killer intent.

'_I've been tricked! Played for a fool! Uchiha Sasuke . . . I admit that there's no way I can make a fool out of you in a similar way as I have Jaken, but don't think you're off the hook! Hina-dono is ingenius! _INGENIUS!!_ Do you hear me! You just watch! Ku ku ku. And don't think you're off the hook either, Naruto-kun! I'll get you too for not avenging me!_'

"Um, Hinata?"

The heiress was snapped out of her scheming. "What?" She faced Hanabi, who was walking besides her.

"I was finally thrown out of that saloon, because my ranting was scaring off the customers, I realized you guys had ditched me."

"I shall decline to inquire as to what resources you have exploited to locate me for we have other manners to concern ourselves with," Hinata said snobbily.

"Um, Hinata?"

"I've found the _real_ flamer!"

"And who is it?"

"Uchiha Sasuke . . . And you're going to be helping me get my revenge dear sister!" Hinata smirked. "Ku ku ku. KU KU KU KU!!!!" The resounding laugh could be heard throughout the nation. Our dear Uchiha is about to meet someone far, far worse than Orochimaru.

Next time: A Vengeful Conclusion?

Omake

A door burst open. "Where is she, Orochimaru, you evil snake!"

Orochimaru,, who had been shivering on his throne with his Manda plushie screamed in horror. "My eyes! Kabuto, where are you? My eyes!"

Indeed, from the doorway, two shadowed figures clad in green suits stood in front of a sunset, flooding the dark lair with light.

"AAAHHH!!! I knew it! Konoha is planning its revenge!"

The Sound Four suddenly appeared out of nowhere. "Don't worry Orochimaru-sama! We will protect you!" When they turned to the door, suddenly the they grasped their faces and shook in horror. "What is this!! This madness! It's so hideous even we can't face it! Agh!" They screamed and ran off.

"See, Lee! The Power of Youth always prevails!" One of the shadowed green figures said.

Sniff. "Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Oh, the horror!!" Orochimaru screamed on this throne.

It attracted the pair's attention. "Alright, you evil scum! Where is she?"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Orochimaru cowered in fear, hiding his face behind the Manda plushie.

"Hah! As if we'll believe you!"

"No!! You can't have my Manda plushie!!" Orochimaru tightened his grip on the stuffed Manda.

"He's trying to distract us, Lee! He's pretending he doesn't know where she is! Don't worry! But I know!" Gai roared. "It's the plushie!"

"The plushie?" Lee asked.

"Yes, the plushie! He's hiding her in it! We just have to steal it back and we'll have her!"

"Nooo! You can never have Manda!!!!" Orochimaru yodeled.

"Give it here!" Gai grabbed the tail.

"Never!" Orochimaru hung onto its head.

"My sweet flower!" Lee screamed, lunging for the middle.

Suddenly, a riiiiiiiiiip was heard.

"MANDA!!!!!!!!" Orochimaru wailed, hugging the snake which had stuffing knocked out of it.

"Hm, I guess he doesn't have her after all."

"Gai-sensei, we don't even know what 'her' name is, do we?" Lee asked.

"That makes it all the more challenging, Lee!"

"Right, Gai-sensei!"

"Onward!" With that, the two rushed into the sunset.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the base, Kabuto was in the surveillance room watching what had happened with amusement. Switching the controls back and forth, he amplified the speaker system in Orochimaru's throne room just as Hinata let out a her latest vengeful laugh.

He smirked to himself. "I'm such a sadist."

* * *

A/N: Whew! Our journey together is almost at an end! Only one chapter remains! Meanwhile, I extend my gratitude to Psycotic Gothic Chick, SassyOMG2282, SarcasticallyTroublesomeGirl, EvilFuzzy9, Af (the female :D), and Chibi Kabuto for their reviews! 

Thank you readers for sticking with me these three weeks! Please, don't forget to review!


	10. A Vengeful Conclusion?

Disclaimer: Must I say that I don't own _Naruto_ in the last chapter when it's so obvious? Wait a sec . . . I just did it again, didn't I? That disclaimer is pretty tricky to get me twice in a story! Well, that's the last time you're going to get to do that do me! So _ha!_

Recap: _After sending finishing up her torture – er, _welcoming_ of Jaken, Hinata stumbles upon Naruto and Sasuke in a bookstore. Certain details make themselves known, and now, Hinata realizes that Hina's flamer was not her neighbor, but the one and only, Uchiha Sasuke! Now that's cleared up, she's got her mind set once again on retribution . . ._

Fire Ten – _The Final Flame: A Vengeful Conclusion?_

"Ku ku ku. KU KU KU KU!!!!" Hinata shrieked wickedly.

Hanabi, used to her sister's strange, strange ways, just quirked her eyebrow. "You know, Hinata. We're in public."

"KU – cough!" Hinata eyes widened when she realized people were staring and whispering. As a cover, she began to cough violently instead. "H-Hanabi-chan," she began loudly, "t-that cough I h-had sure was strange wasn't it? S-sounded almost like an evil v-villain!" She chuckled nervously.

Bingo. The comment had it's effect as people turned around and began gossiping about the unhealthiness of being in a prestigious family.

"Anyway, Hanabi, here's what we're going to do." Hinata quickly started to look back and forth around the street, causing even _more_ people to become suspicious of her, and then pulled Hanabi into an alleyway that just _happened_ to appear at that moment. She activated her byakugan for good measure and then leaned forward so her face was directly in front of Hanabi's.

The younger Hyuuga could feel shivers going down her spine. Hinata sure could be scary with those veins around her eyes like that and her face shadowed by the alleyway's darkness. It gave her a feeling of impending doom, like the world was going to split in two, spelling the end of the universe! Wait, no, she decided. Neji's paranoia was just messing with her head again.

"And that's it!" Hinata finished. "So, Hanabi, you're going to give this check to Ichiraku-san."

"You mean we're enacting it right now?"

"Well, duh! Now we need to hurry. It's sun's almost finished setting!"

"Alright."

Hanabi reluctantly trudged towards the ramen stand.

"Snap to it!" Hinata commanded.

She rolled her eyes. "Of course, _Hina-dono,_" she muttered.

Hinata gasped. "Not in public!"

Hanabi sighed and walked a little faster towards the ramen stand while Hinata followed behind her conspicuously trying to be inconspicuous. Of course, that caused her to be all the more conspicuous! She sneakily listened in on the conversation.

"Ichiraku-san, here's something from Hina. She says you're so overworked, you should take a bit of a vacation."

The old ramen chef looked surprise. "What? That means she must live around here to know that, eh?"

"No. Hina-dono is _such_ a genius that she has an extended spy network in every area. Thus, she may be all the way in Kumogakure and still know what's going on here."

Hinata snickered from her hiding spot, which attracted quite a bit of stares from the passers-by. '_Hanabi sure is good at making stuff up! Hm, . . . a little _too_ good. I'll have to keep an eye on her!'_

"Wow!" Ichiraku exclaimed. "That's a _lot_ of zeroes! This Hina must be loaded! Hey Ayame! What do you think about vacationing in Wave Country?"

Hinata smirked and signalled for Hanabi to return. "Excellent work, Hanabi. Now for phase two! We get some strawberry pocky!"

With that, the two heiresses headed off to the Konoha Supermarket and bought a box of that pink colored pocky. Out of nowhere, Hinata, being the resourceful Hyuuga she is, produced an odorless, tasteless, colorless, and all those other less's poison. She opened the box and sprinkled it all over the little rosy sticks. Then she carefully dumped them all onto an Uchiha fan platter, except it was pink and white instead of red and white . . . after all, it had to match with the pocky!

"Alright, Hanabi. Now let's find ourselves a helpless child!" Hinata scanned the streets and found a lone little girl. Perfect! "Oh little girl!" she called.

When the girl came over, Hinata instantly cast her into one of Hina-dono's overly complex genjutsu. In fact, it's so overly complex that it's name can't be told lest we all suffer from its wrath! Moving on, Hinata carefully gave the girl the platter of pocky and told her to make sure Uchiha Sasuke ate a least one and not to leave until he did. As a side effect, she would forget all that happened.

Hinata and Hanabi followed after her as she walked over to the Uchiha residence and knocked on it.

Knock knock. The door opened and there was Sasuke, in all his emo glory . . . wait, no. Was that the Uchiha wearing a _pink_ bathrobe?

Hinata and Hanabi stared at each other then quickly looked at the sack that had suddenly appeared next to them with the outfit they were going to put on Sasuke. No, that wouldn't be necessary after all. Their attention was immediately captured as he spoke.

"What do you want, kid?" he demanded.

"Pocky . . . for great Uchiha," the little girl muttered automatically. She lifted the plate up so that he could see the delectable little sticks of pocky.

Sasuke looked at the plate and gulped. He quickly glanced around, and not seeing anyone, he muttered a quick "thanks" and grabbed the plate, slamming the door on the kid's face. The girl robotically walked away and would later forget everything.

Meanwhile, Hinata was giggling madly. "I knew it! I knew Uchiha Sasuke was half gay!"

"Half?" Hanabi asked.

"Well, duh! We all know he's usually either paired with _my_ Naruto-kun or else Sakura! That means he's half straight and half gay! That pink bathrobe and addiction to strawberry pocky just _proves_ it!"

"Did it ever occur to you that he had nothing else to wear?"

"Denial, Hanabi-chan. Denial." A loud crash captured their attention. "Let's go!"

Cautiously, the two heiresses entered the complex. They found Sasuke near the entrance, zoned out like a zombie. At his feet was the platter and remains of the pocky.

Hinata went up to him. "Uchiha Sasuke, hop around like a bunny."

At the command, the proud Uchiha started hopping around.

She smirked. "Excellent. Eeeeeeexcelllent!" Sasuke continued to hop. "Okay, you can stop now."

The Uchiha stopped.

"What is this poison of yours called again?" Hanabi asked, quite impressed.

"_That_ my dear sister, is for me to know, and you never to find out. Just remember, that I, Hina-dono, have hordes more for use!"

At this, Hanabi made a mental note to destroy all evidence of her _How to Flame a Diabolical Evil Sister_ _for Dummies_ book. In fact, she'd have to use Neji's vaporizing ray – she doubted even a higher being would know exactly _why_ her cousin had one.

"Now! We must hurry!" Hinata said. "Uchiha Sasuke!"

"Yes," he responded automatically.

"You will refer to me as Hina-dono and nothing else. You will listen to me and no one else. You will answer me and no one else. Understand?"

"Yes, Hina-dono. Yes, Hina-dono. Yes, Hina-dono. Yes, Hina-dono."

"Good. Now, I want you to wear these pink bunny slippers," she pulled a pair out of nowhere, "with that pink bathrobe and this pink Hello Kitty headband."

"Yes, Hina-dono." The Uchiha immediately put on the items.

"Now, you will walk to the mountain with the faces of our Hokage carved on it. You will stay at the top and continuously sing to the beat of 'I'm a Little Teapot' at the top of your lungs:

'_I'm a gay shinobi, pink and cute,_

_Here is my kunai, here's my obi._

_When I am all alone hear me shout,_

"_Emo Sasuke's just an act!"'_

"You will not stop if anyone tries to make you. You will not leave your post. If anyone should ask why you're singing, you will reply, 'I am confessing that I am half gay!' Understand?"

The Uchiha promptly replied "Yes, Hina-dono" to all her requests.

"Excellent. Excellent. Now, head off!" Hinata roared.

"Yes, Hina-dono." And with that, the proud Uchiha made his way towards utter humiliation.

Hinata chuckled. "Let's head home, Hanabi. Our work here is done!"

"Um, exactly how long will this last?" Hanabi asked.

"Let's just say he'll still be at it when morning comes," Hinata grinned deviously.

The younger Hyuuga gulped. Man, her sister could be evil.

And so, the two Hyuuga sisters made their way towards the Hyuuga compound. However, on the way, they suddenly heard a heart-wrenching "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" from in front of them.

"N-Naruto-kun?" Hinata asked innocently.

Naruto turned to her. "It's awful, Hinata! It's just awful!"

"What's awful?" As if she didn't know!

"Ichiraku is on vacation for a month! Can you believe it? A whole _month_ without my fresh ramen!" he wailed.

"Oh, d-don't worry, Naruto-kun! If you c-come to my place, y-you can have a-all the ramen y-you want!"

"Really!" he immediately brightened. "Wow, Hinata! You're awesome!"

Hinata smiled brightly. _'What he doesn't know won't hurt him.'_

Suddenly, they heard something. "Gay . . . pink . . ."

Naruto looked around. "Huh? That sounds a bit like Sasuke-teme."

Hinata knew exactly what to do. She pointed to the Hokage mountain. "Everyone, l-look!" she shouted, causing everyone on the street to look upwards and see the Uchiha shouting his lungs out. "Do you hear what he's saying?"

Several fan girls that appeared screamed melodramatically.

Naruto stopped dead and shuddered. "I don't know who that is. I don't know who that is."

"T-there there, Naruto-kun. A-at least you know you c-can always count on m-me!" Hinata gave her most winning smile.

"Right. Well, see you tomorrow, Hinata-chan! I'm looking forward to that ramen!"

Hinata waved him off, then gave one last look at the Uchiha making a fool of himself.

"Let's go home, Hanabi-chan!" she said cheerfully.

This time, the two heiresses really did make it home. Just when they were about to step through the double doors to the compound, Jaken appeared.

"YOU!!!!!!!" He frothed.

It seemed he had used his time to shave off what rainbow hair he had after finding out the dye wouldn't come off. Hinata could make out a rainbow-colored bald head.

"Um, y-yes?" she stuttered.

"You _evil_ witch! You are a plague! A-a madwoman! You deserve to DIE!!!!!!! I won't rest until your despicable being is brought to justice!!!!!! You–"

He suddenly found himself staring at someone's chest. He slowly looked up and found himself eye to eye with a very, _very_ angry father.

"What did you call my daughter?" Hiashi demanded.

"Eep!" Jaken squeaked. He could feel the waves of killing intent rolling off the head Hyuuga. This time, he really _did_ wet himself! "I-I-I-I-"

Hiashi cracked his knuckles as lightning mysteriously appeared out of nowhere and crashed behind him. He activated his byakugan and glared at the poor boy. "Hyuuga kenjutsu: Wrath of the Angry Overprotective Father!"

On the sidelines, Hinata watched gleefully. Ah, she had her revenge, she had her Naruto-kun, and to top it all off, some evening entertainment as well. Life sure was sweet! . . . For _her_ that was.

And the moral lesson of this story my dear readers is . . . well, there is no moral lesson. But there is a valuable piece of advice to learn from this: Insult Hina, and she'll personally hunt you down and main you and anything else that gets in her way. Insult Hinata, and you answer to her father, Hyuuga Hiashi.

End.

A/N: Ah, and another story comes to a close! Well, I hope you all enjoyed the trip. I'd like to extend my thanks to SarcasticallyTroublesomeGirl, SassyOMG2282, Af, EvilFuzzy9, Chibi Kabuto, and Moon FirexxXXxxMitoko Dreamer for their reviews last chapter. I'd also like to extend further thanks to Psycotic Gothic Chick, Chibi Kabuto and SarcasticallyTroublesomeGirl for reviewing almost every chapter! Also, my gratitude to everyone who dropped some ideas in their reviews, even if all of them weren't used in this ficc.

That complete, I'd like to discuss with my readers the idea of a sequel! That's right, a continuation to the madness! It'll most likely entail Lee and Gai's adventures as they search the shinobi continent for the lost Jaken, side stories concerning the after affects of Sasuke's "confession," and glimpses of Hinata. It's just an idea right now, and if I decided to make it, it most likely wouldn't start for a long time because I'm going back to school in a couple days.

Lastly, I've created a forum called Hina dono's Evil Corner for this fic.. Please feel free to drop by and leave any comments, questions, tips, etc. You can visit it by going to my profile and clicking on My Forums.

Anyway, one final thanks to everyone who stuck through with me these three and a half weeks! It's been great!

-Chairo

P.S. Just because it's over, don't forget to drop one final –

–Review!


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